i'll kindle you

I had a woman berate me because my store doesn't carry Kindle accessories.

"You'll regret it when you go out of business.  No one buys books anymore.  You shoud really think about getting in touch with the real customers out there.  Move into this millennium."

I leaned thoughtfully over my refurbished computer, listening to it struggle to operate with Windows 98, and pondered the future of books.  And how I never noticed I was dealing with fake customers all these years.  Explains the odd behavior, I suppose.  I've heard of this Kindle thing, and I have even seen one (gasp).  It looks like an ipod on steroids, and you can read books on it.  

Big deal.

This is not the end of books.  I doubt books will have an end.  There is something tactile about books, something sensory, that a neat electronic could never replace.  Books smell good.  Books feel good in your hands.  Books invite curling up in bed.  Curling up in bed with something battery-operated is usually not restful and enlightening (but what do I know about your weird little habits?).  I am not worried about what the Kindle will do to my livelihood, because I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about books.

I think your home library would look lame, for one, without books.

Hey lady, books don't need accessories, either...

...and here it is...

The next big thing was just handed to us today.

They released the date of Dan Brown's new book.  It will be called The Lost Symbol and it comes out September 15th.  So, if I can fend off the vampires 'till then, I'll be okay.

Or will I?

The big deal about this one is it's rumored to be about the Freemasons and the Latter-Day-Saints.  This could be a pot-boiler.  Now, let me remind everyone of a simple fact that will turn off your burners-

DAN BROWN'S BOOKS ARE FICTION.  F-I-C-T-I-O-N.

He puts a lot of research into them, but they are novels.  Please do not poke myself and my coworkers with pitchforks when his new book comes out, and people who work around books are inherently afraid of fire, so no torches.  We went over this last time, but it bears repeating.

It's like people getting angry about Harry Potter, saying he's enticing kids to practice wizardry.  I read Little House on the Prarie when I was a kid and I did NOT want to live on a prarie.  Or near a barn.  I also read The Mouse and the Motorcycle and did not come away thinking that mice actually were gearheads.  I was well aware that the BFG was not going to whisk me away and give me frobscottle so I would fart all the time.  I kinda wished, but I knew it was in vain.  I am trying very hard to not bring the teenage vampires into this one, so I will digress.

So the next big thing will not be zombies, or witches, or aliens.  It will be some secretive guy, probably wearing a robe and carrying some symboly thing- that he'll lose.  There you go.

the next big thing

I am happily waiting for the end of the sparkly vampire craze.

I am also sadly remembering that there will be no more Harry Potter books.

What's next?  I am very curious to see what the next "Big Thing"  will be.  If I take cues from the last two "Big Things"  I would guess it will be something else of a fantastical, imaginary nature.  Witches?  Zombies?  Aliens?  Metrosexuals?  Sasquatch?  Will Oprahcle (the Oprah Oracle)  tell us what it will be?  Is Dan Brown's new book going to fill that void (oh god oh god no)?

I have decided to put some ideas out there.  If you like them, run with them.

1. Witches who decide to go to Yale, only to learn that eye of frog and cauldrons will not get you good grades, and that sweater vests resist spells.  Romance is hard when you don't fit in, and you have a green complexion.  This could be a long-running series, because you just know witches will fail their chemistry classes and college will take them way more than four years.

2. Zombies who become self-aware.  They get jobs and plastic surgery, and learn how to stuff their gaping wounds with potpurri to combat the smell.  The main zombie falls in love with a "livvie" and fights between urges of romance and eating her brain.

3. A nerdy boy is abducted by an extraterrestrial race that all look like Justin Timberlake, who, for the sake of the book, will be called Austin Woodpond.  Despite their frightening appearance, they are unusually versed in the ways of Earth and help our hero learn how to be super cool and fit in.  Eventually, the boy changes his name to Austin Woodpond.  Ooh, didn't see that twist coming!

5. A private investigator follows a wayward husband into the seedy world of the metrosexual, only to find that it's a front for the blackmarket slacks trade.  Will pomade and quick wit be enough to save him?  Will his cover be blown when he forgets that pleats are so 1980's?  Will the wife of the wayward husband come to terms her husband's need to exfoliate?

6. Scientists studying lowland gorillas discover a new gene that leads them to a secret.  The missing link has been among us this whole time- in the guise of men with very hairy backs.  The newly discovered "Sasquatch-Men" are rounded up and studied, leading a rogue group of estheticians to break into labs and wax the men to freedom.

So, I think any of those ideas would make for a great read.  I would do it myself, but this is about the length of time I can spend writing.  Someone get on this, and remember to dedicate your book to the beautiful, mysterious wench who served as your muse.

Whoever the hell she is.

no way!

This morning I was putting together a table display, thinking about nothing, really.  Suddenly I heard a quiet voice from behind-

"How are you today?"

It scared the bejeesus out of me.  I jumped, spun around, and said "GOOD!"

It was my stalker!

If you'll remember from an earlier post, I talked about the guy who's been watching me at a distance for about ever.  It was him!  First time he's ever talked to me in the many years I've been a book wench.

That was all he said.  I asked how he was, and he nodded, smiled, and walked away. So very odd.  After all these years...

economical humor

It probably goes without saying, the economy is bad for my line of work.

But you know things are really bad when you try to recommend books to four-year olds.

"Oh, yeah, this book is great for you!  It's all about what happens to your mind when you grow up and get old.  Enjoy!"

"Spot is too elementary.  Why don't we go with Clifford?  He's more existential."

It's also bad when your customers are all normal for weeks on end, because all the crazy ones are.. I dunno... I guess broke.  Sigh.  Crazy people don't have money, either.  All the color has gone from my store.

So I'm keeping this blog economical because typing and internet and electricity cost money.

Let's just say I'm completely out of material for the moment, but that doesn't mean you should find my store and do something weird, like eat a dictionary or something.  Let's let money run it's course and I'll let you know when the characters return.  And they will.  Oh, they will.

No one even cares about Twilight anymore.  Sparkly vampires cost money.

why oh why

If you read this silly old blog regularly, you already know my feelings on Twilight.

I'd like to think that, at this point in the game, my distate radiates from me as I roam my store.  I'm sooooooo tired of hearing about this series every stinking day.  As far as I can tell, though, none of my customers are tired of it.  Not in the least.  So, I have to play along, because I'm supposed to be nice.

I was cornered by a woman who wanted a book recommendation- something like Twilight.  Internally, I said "Nothing is like Twilight, except the bubonic plague."  But because of the nice thing, I asked her if she meant vampire novels or romance.

"Oh, nothing that that."  said the woman too old to read teen trash, "I want something exciting.  Something that catches my interest like those books did." I was at a loss, because that's all I knew of the books.  Vampires and romance.  Now, I will list for you the books I recommended and why she didn't like them (oh, how I love lists).

1. Interview With A Vampire- "That sounds too scary."

2. The Historian- "Oh that's a long book."

3. Angels & Demons- "I heard this author was an athiest."

4. Sunshine- "This is science fiction? No."

5. The Host- "This looks too long."  (She didn't even notice it was by the very same author she so adores)

At this point, I tried to go in a different direction, because she wasn't letting me give up.  I just started picking up books I knew of and saying they were good, and this went on for five or so minutes.  She finally gave up on me and eventually picked one of the books I showed her-

Confessions of a Shopaholic.

What, dear reader, makes this a good recommendation for Twilight readers?  Is it because they're both also movies?  Is that it?  If that's it, I'm done for.  I think that my first choices were best based on the content of those darned Twilight books.  I also think that the Twilight series is safe fantasy for people who are afraid of fantasy.  When you attempt to move them on in vampire fiction, they freak out, every one of them.  They never get to see how much more awesome Lestat is.  They never get to feel truly afraid of what is coming next, what I always found so exciting about supernatural novels.  They have no idea how good it can be.  They've never even read the original Dracula!

For the love of all that's holy, bring on the next big book, because these stupid teenage vampires are freaking killing me.

the library is free but you have to give the books back

It's obvious to me that we're in a recession.  It's been noticeable for a while, but post-holiday, it's like a beacon of cheapness.

We, like every other retail outlet in the world, are in the midst of a post-holiday sale.  I've been in the ole bookstore for a long time now, but I've never seen the things I've seen lately.  People have gone into uber-thrifty mode, so even a good deal is not good enough, and somehow, I'm supposed to rectify that.  Look, I just schlep the books, I don't set the prices.

A couple days ago, a man came up to the counter and asked me "You got any sales on?"  I asked him to repeat himself, and got the same reply.  I pointed out the clearance sale, and he moseyed on over to find himself a deal.  He made a stack of about fifteen titles, then had me price check every single one, even though I repeatedly told him that they were all 50% off.  And after all that, he took one up to the register.  I found out later he didn't buy it because $1.50 was too much for a book on gambling.

Today, a woman asked me the price of a clearance item.  By the way, it never ceases to amaze me how people don't get it when the signs say that they're all 50% off.  Anyway, I told her the price, and she said she'd buy it if I made it 70%.  I said 'it doesn't work that way' and she said I was losing a sale.  After I explained that we don't set the price, she left, leaving her $3 book behind.  Sigh.

Last week, a woman came to the counter with a stack of sci-fi titles.  She asked me for a piece of paper, and then proceeded to tell me she just wanted to write the titles down so she could look them up at the library.  I told her that was nice and that she better put them away if she wasn't buying.  She had the nerve to say "I can't buy them.  The library is free, but you have to give the books back.  Between you and me, I don't always do that."  She wandered off, and I had to reshelve all her books an hour later.  I assume she went to the library to steal books.

Also, last week, a stupid teenage boy we'll call Skippy asked me if we checked out books.  I told Skippy that we weren't a library, and he said his dad told him we would be soon because nobody with half a brain would spend money on books in this economy.  Skippy took his father's obvious reasoning for why Skippy can't have ten bucks as our store becoming a library.  I wonder what else Skippy thinks...

I've also had more than a few people tell me they would buy something if I'd knock five bucks, 10%, or whatever else off.  These people, quite often, are the same ones that treat me like a brainless peon who wouldn't know a book from her foot if they didn't point it out.  So I'm a flaming idiot nobody, but I have the power to discount books for no reason?  Sweet.

A very angry old, old man told me we were jacking up our prices so we didn't lose money or customers to the library.  Apparently, we hate the library.  Just for the record, I told him, I love the library.  I use the library.  But all of us have books we want or need to own.  You can't buy these from the library, unless you never return them, and they find you.  They always find you.  I think the bookstore and the library are not competitors, but allies.  He picked his jowls up off the floor and stormed out, muttering something about communists.  He can go to the library and sit next to the crazy book thief lady for all I care.

So, what I've gleaned from my interactions with the community is this-  if a book is not less than a dollar, you should go to the library, or pretend you're in foreign bazaar and haggle yourself silly.  I'm just happy to have a job and all these lovely people to deal with.  But what do I know?  I have clearance books to price...